Krystal’s Gems: The Millennial’s guide to being a legend

A plume of strawberry scented e-vapour lingers behind me as I try to get the perfect candid picture of my cat, Pawdery Hepburn, to pop on Instagram. Behind me, my boyfriend’s screaming into his headphones because the game he’s playing, Fortnite, keeps on lagging. I take a break from this millennial utopia, and head to the kitchen to whip up some avocado on toast.

This is just a day in the life of a millennial legend. For those of you asking, how do I, like Krystal, become one of these mythical creatures? I’ve composed the millennial’s guide to becoming a bloody legend. These easy to follow 15 steps will see you go from ‘90s zero to 21st century hero in one fell swoop.

1. Vape, in a totally none ironic way. Breathe the vapour onto a cold surface and flick it up into the air while your mate films it for your Youtube channel.

2. That leads onto… Get a Youtube channel. Even if there’s just one embarrassing video of you MC-ing to DJ Smally in a park when you were 15. This still makes you a Youtuber.

3. Have avocado on toast every day, make sure you share pictures of it on social media. Tell your sarcastic Aunty to piss off when she jokes about how she wanted to see what you had for tea. Feel free to swear at her when she explains that the avocado is why you’ll never be able to afford a house.

4. Create an Instagram account for your cat and make sure you hashtag it with #follow4follow #petsofinstagram. For double points, pie it off onto anyone who will take it when you want to go on a night out.

5. Buy a gaming console to play Fortnite. Hide in a bush for the majority of the game until you get shot in the head by a 12 year old who will then dance on your dead virtual body.

6. Passive aggressively tweet about cutting toxic mates out of your life but never actually bother.

7. Become a meme. Turn your mate into a meme. Life’s a meme.

8. Slag off Jamie Oliver on a weekly basis for getting rid of Turkey Twizzlers when you were in school. Smug git.

9. If possible, stay with your parents/grandparents/legal guardians until you’re nearly 30. Show off to your mates about how you do your own washing now though.

10. Take Buzzfeed quizzes on your lunch to determine what piece of rubbish you would be if someone found you in a bin.

11. Have at least five pairs of trainers. Keep one pair in a box because they cost you so much money you’re physically afraid to wear them out of the house.

12. Be uncontrollably excited whenever you read an article about prossecco on tap being served in a bar. It’s a sensation, one of a kind, never been done before!

13. Tell everyone about how much you love coffee. Slyly put three sugars in when no-one is looking.

14. Fight the patriarchy, join a Reddit discussion about capitalism and get a Jeremy Corbyn tattoo on your leg.

15. Groan whenever you see the article about York being the best place to live 2018. ‘That should ramp up house prices’ you mutter under your breath.

So I think we’ve established that its really not that hard, but if you think you can do one better, tell me how you ensure that you’re the best millennial possible. Email me krystal@yourlocallink.co.uk

Jargon Buster:

Instagram – A social networking app made for sharing photos

Fortnite – A popular survival game where players fight until the last man standing

Vape – Inhale the vapour created by an electronic cigarette

Meme – A funny image or video that is copied and spread online

Reddit – A community content sharing platform great for discussion on basically any topic you can think of

Jeremy Corbyn – The nation’s sweetheart, not sorry

KRYSTOMETER

HOT:

SPARK York

Ooooooohhh York’s getting trendy. Just look at our shipping containers full of artisan food joints, bars and community venues. Can’t wait to geotag myself there tbh.

UKGBRUNCH Have you ever turned up to a rave at 12pm. Better than that, have you ever turned up to a 12pm rave with unlimited chicken and rum punch in 90s fancy dress? The UK Garage Brunch pulls together a plethora of the finer things in life: Rum punch, chicken wings, donuts, brownies and garage music from big names. For 90 minutes you get unlimited booze and food. After that, the charismatic hosts guide you through dance offs, chicken eating competitions and musical statues. It’s a mental day out, and when I walked out at 5pm, I couldn’t help but feel incredibly sad that it was all over. Thankfully the next one in Leeds is in August. Go. Have the best time. Thank me later. Visit ukgbrunch.co.uk

NOT:

GDPR meetings

If you don’t know what this is, then you don’t need to. Back away very slowly and try not to make eye contact. You’ll get out alive.The password changing onslaught at work has begun – and no, you’re not allowed to write them down anywhere incase you forget because that could be a breach, sorry huns.

BINGE EATING

I’ve lost a fair bit of weight this year (wooo go me) but when I crack, I CRACK. Yesterday saw me smash out a cheese and chicken toastie, a bag of crisps, a sharing bag of popcorn and a large bar of chocolate. I then sat in bed feeling a little bit ill and sorry for myself. (Can’t handle the pig out sesh).

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