Dear Daphne

Got a Problem? OF COURSE YOU HAVE
Lucky our resident York agony aunt, Daphne, has got all the answers. 

For the love of coffee

I go to a well known coffee chain every morning before work. I’ve developed a big crush on one of the guys who works there and look forward to seeing him every day. I think he’s flirty back with me, but I don’t want to ruin a good thing by asking him out and it going south. It’s nice as it is, but I would like to see if it could be more… I’ve toyed with the idea for several weeks now, but it never seems like the right time. I don’t know how to make sure he’s a free agent, and I still can’t work out if he finds me attractive back. I think i’m just looking for someone to tell me to ask him out. So, shall I do it?

You should definitely ask this guy out.  There are plenty of coffee shops in the centre of York and if his reply doesn’t turn out to be what you want, you could always change where you go for your morning coffee to avoid embarrassment, after all, if its a chain then you know you can find the exact same cup of coffee elsewhere. I think what i’m saying is that the coffee is not important in all of this, why are we still talking about coffee. The risk you’re thinking about taking is worth the potential return, Imagine if he turned out to be ‘the one’? Missing out on that is a bigger risk than momentary embarrassment. If you want to weigh it up a little longer, I get the impression you have conversations with this guy, why not ask him a few questions to test the water. Life is short, do it, and tell me how you get on after!

Smoking gun

My room mate smokes in his bedroom and you can tell the minute you walk into the apartment.  It stinks in the kitchen and the lounge. I feel like my hair smells of it, it makes me feel sick and dirty. I should mention that he owns the house, but when I applied to live here it was advertised as a no smoking apartment which is what I wanted, I feel like I’ve been conned. He’s an ok guy and I don’t want to fall out with him or come across as uptight, but I don’t feel like its fair on me to live in these conditions when it wasn’t what I signed up for, what’s the best course of action? 

Nothing makes a dirtier environment that smoking indoors. It was silly of him to advertise the place as a no smoking household. I think you’re totally within your right to address this with him. Nowadays it’s just not cool to smoke indoors and it’s certainly not a given, so don’t feel bad about bringing it up. I recommend you ask to speak to him specifically about this matter, otherwise you could just come across as passive aggressive which isn’t the vibe you want. Explain to him you really thought this was a no smoking house, but it often smells like cigarettes and makes you feel under the weather. Ask if he would mind stopping, and if he does mind, look at moving out when the contract ends. There are plenty of lovely houses with rooms to rent that don’t stink of cigs all the time.

Not your granny

Dear Daphne,

I imagine you’re going to be frustrated at my dilemma but I’m hoping you can shed some sense and light on it regardless.

My partner of many years has several children and grandchildren from a previous relationship who have decided its time to call me granny. I know, I should be delighted that I’ve been accepted into the family in such a way.

The only trouble is, it feels like a personal attack on who I am, I feel like being a granny puts a lady in a certain box. It’s a box that I don’t want to be in, I’m only in my late 40s. Not only that but I worry that their actual grandma might be offended, too, and that makes me feel even more anxious. The big voice in my head tells me to be grateful but the little ones are freaked out and alarmed and I just don’t know how to silence them.

Surprisingly, I’m not furious with you. What an honour it is for the family to respect and love you  enough that they want their own children to look up to you as a family member. I suggest you accept it graciously and gratefully. But I understand your little voices. They’re the tiny nagging voices that we don’t want but all have. Just because you are a ‘granny’ doesn’t mean that you’re an O.A.P. Don’t put yourself in these societal boxes and think that everyone will see you the same. They won’t. Enjoy the love and acceptance you’ve been awarded and put aside your reservations about your new, hard earned label, because it’s a great one. It might be worth considering the fact that you don’t have to be ‘granny’ either. What about concocting a special name for yourself. There are plenty to choose from whether it’s Grammy, Nan, Geema or Granny The Ungrateful, I’m sure you’ll find one that fits.

Looking for advice? Have a burning question? Email info@yourlocallink.co.uk with the heading: Dear Daphne. 

We won’t publish your identity without your permission. All letters sent to Daphne become property of Your Local Link and will be edited for spelling and clarity.

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